Not Myself
by MsZoid
Summary: Craig reaches his breaking point, and ends up headlong in a place he never wanted to be, and never knew he needed.
1. Day One

This is the new version of "Not Myself" Same rules apply-I do not own Degrassi, but Macalister Hospital and those in it are my own creation. If a song is used in the chapter it will be cited at the end.   
  
Authors note: K-Wing is based on a real place, where I spent four days in September. I've made some changes for dramatic purposes, in the schedule and in the assigned seating at means. However, everything else is basically the same, including the set up of the unit. Because of this fact, this is an intensely personal story for me, so if updates are slow in coming that is the reason. Thank you for reading this story.  
  
Each chapter takes place on one day of Craig's time in Unit.  
  
Day one:  
  
Craig Manning had no idea at first where he was or who was standing overis bed. It looked like a nurse, and then things came back to him. Stopping the pain, that was all he cared about ...stopping the pain...the pills, Joey's pain pills from when he threw out his back..take the pills. Joey looking at him, absolute horror on his face..then the world went black. "Where am I?"  
  
"You are in K-Wing, at Macalister Hospital-General Psychiatric Care." The woman smiled at him "I'm Nora, your head nurse."  
  
"General Psychiatric Care? What am I doing here? I want to go home" Craig didn't want to be here. He knew he'd been having problems, but he would be fine. "I'm going to be fine, I just want to go home." h=  
  
"Craig, you Tried to kill yourself last night, we can't let you go home. Your guardian has already signed you in for as long as you need to be here." Nora looked at him. "you slept for hours, come on and get dressed and I'll give you a tour of the unit."   
  
She stepped out of the room then, and Craig looked around his room. It had a bed, a desk with a Chair, a whiteboard with marker, and a window. IT also had a tray, for food he assumed. Craig then stepped into the bathroom. It had a toilet and a sink, no shower. That was the first thing he asked about when he stepped into the hall.  
  
"I'll show you the showers, but you have to ask permission to use them from a nurse.We also have a closet for shampoo and things like that." Craig blinked. Permission to shower? How crazy were the people here?  
  
"This is the nurses station." Craig saw a whiteboard with his name on it, along with others, each under the name of someone he assumed was a nurse, because his was under Nora. "This is one of the phones, the other is by the laundry room. You can make local calls for ten minutes between seven and 10, seven and 1 on Friday and Saturday nights." Craig nodded and they entered a small kitchen. "Now, if you want to grab a snack its fine, you slept thorough breakfast, and lunch is in an hour. We have bread and cereal, butter and peanut butter, milk, ice cream, that sort of thing."  
  
Craig nodded and Nora lead him into the kitchen. "we have assigned seating, that's yours" She pointed it out, and then showed him the whiteboard with group assignments for the day. He could se that he was to go to Coping Skills at Two and Open Rec at four.   
  
Nora took him around the rest of the way around the unit then, which was organized as a square, with patient rooms along the outside. She showed him two TV rooms, a laundry room, and another phone. then he was taken to see the rec room and out onto the patio "Now, anything beyond this is off limits to you without permission and accompaniment OK?"  
  
Craig just nodded, and headed to lunch. After lunch he was meeting with his Doctor, and he was sure he wouldn't be there another night.   
  
His lunch companions were Seth, who was in his thirties and seemed nice, and Laine, who was older and seemed quiet. The fourth chair was empty and he asked if anyone sat there.  
  
"Allegra's just late today." Laine said.  
  
Seth Laughed. "Allegra's crazy."  
  
"Seth? We're all Crazy. Allegra's just different. You'll see" Laine nodded at Craig.  
  
Just then a young woman Seth assumed was Allegra sat down. "Hi, you must be Allegra, I'm Craig. I'm new."  
  
Allegra nodded. "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device."  
  
Craig didn't know what to say, so he settled for "Good song."  
  
Dr. Allen was not having it. "You are going to be staying here, Craig. I cannot send you home."  
  
"Dr. Allen, I'll be OK, I promise. I won't hurt myself again. It was stupid."  
  
"I cannot send you home. And if I had a dime for everyone who said they were promising to not hurt themselves and then did, I'd be in Bali now and not here. Craig, you have to make the most of your time here. Now, you don't have to participate today, but I'd like it if you did tomorrow."  
  
"When do I see Joey?"  
  
"your guardian called earlier and said he'd be in tomorrow. He ran in some clothes for you when you were at lunch, they should be waiting in your room. Magazines too."   
  
Craig wound up going to Coping Skills but they were talking about how to be honest when situations made you uncomfortable in real life, nothing he cared about. What did it matter how nice he was to a telemarketer?  
  
He flew through dinner, filled out his meal sheet for the next day, and went to his room to unpack. Joey had brought his own pillows, some clothes, and some magazines on photography and cars and guitars. He read one for a little bit before poking his head out into the hall. "Hi, can I talk to someone?"  
  
A woman smiled at him "Craig? I'm Stella, your night nurse. What do you need,"  
  
"I'm tired, can I close my door to sleep?"  
  
Stella nodded at him. "Yes, but we check in on you every fifteen minutes." Craig was asleep before then.   
  
Lyric used: the Eagles "Hotel California" 


	2. Day Two

Degrassi is not mine. Macalister Hospital is mine. Thank you.  
  
Day Two:  
  
Craig woke up to Nora standing over him with a blood pressure cuff in hand. "Craig, we have to take your vitals."  
  
He just nodded and then asked her for a towel and shampoo for a shower. After his shower he went to breakfast, and checked to see what he had to do that day. He had group, general rec, coping skills, and open rec, plus he was sure he'd have to see Dr. Allen that day.   
  
Seth was in a bad mood at breakfast, complaining about how he didn't want to be there, he just wanted to sleep all day. Craig felt the same, but also wanted out of there before it ate into his summer. So he just nodded and ate his eggs. He missed his home already, his own bed, and his friends. He wondered what Joey had told them, he'd have to ask that tonight.   
  
Group therapy was when they went around the room and talked about whatever was on their minds. Craig had to go first because he was new. Hanna, the therapist, just wanted him to talk about himself a bit, she said.  
  
"My name is Craig, I'm 16...I live with my stepfather. I'm here because...I don't want to talk about why I'm here, I'm sorry. I like to play guitar and take photos." That sounded so stupid, he knew, but it was all he could think of to say.   
  
Hanna went around the room asking questions. Seth took the opportunity to bitch about things.   
  
"Allegra, how are you today?"  
  
"I have to admit its getting better. Its a little better all the time." Craig smiled at that. He loved the Beatles. For some reason, probably the song lyrics, he was curious about Allegra.   
  
"is that because we're doing pictionary today?" Hanna asked her. Allegra just nodded.  
  
In general recreation they did play pictionary, but not for points. Craig didn't understand what that had to do with anything, but he went along with it. It was actually fun. Allegra was very good at it, and she actually gave the answers in English instead of song.   
  
After rec was lunch, and after lunch was seeing Dr. Allen. "I still don't want to be here."  
  
"No one does. But you have to get better, and here is the place to do it."  
  
"I Don't know why I did what I did."  
  
"We'll figure it out, Craig. Now, tomorrow is Friday. I won't be here Saturday and Sunday. Another doctor will be, Monday we'll start talking about your life. I'll need to hear about it."  
  
"I don't like to talk about it."  
  
"I know you don't, but its important." Craig nodded.  
  
Coping skills was boring again, and then came open rec. Craig was just sitting around watching everyone play games when someone tapped him from behind with a pool stick. It was Allegra. He nodded at her and she racked up. They played a game of pool. "Allegra, how old are you?"  
  
"I learned the truth at seventeen, that love was meant for beauty queens" She quoted.   
  
Craig nodded his understanding. "I'm sixteen." She nodded back.  
  
After open rec Joey showed up for a visit. The nurses even let Craig have his dinner in his room so he could spend more time with Joey.  
  
"Joey, I'm sorry."  
  
"Not as sorry as I am...Craig, do you have any idea what it was like for me? To find you like that. I thought you were going to die." Joey looked near tears, but he went on. "Slumped over that table with that bottle in one hand...you know what you said to me before you passed out? you said 'I'm sorry, but its just so much pain.'"  
  
"Joey..."  
  
"Craig, I love you. You've become my son. I thought you were dead- and the worst part was that I felt like I was to blame. if I'd just noticed how depressed you were...maybe things would have been different. If I'd just gotten you help before it got to be this bad."  
  
"Damnit, Joey, I didn't want you to know. I just thought it would go away. It just got worse and I didn't know how to tell you I wasn't happy. I didn't want you to think I was unhappy because of you."  
  
"I know it wasn't because of me...Craig, please just get better. Angie misses you. I miss you. Get better so you could come home."  
  
"I'll try Joey, that's all I can do, try." Joey nodded and changed the subject. Craig had one more question. "has anyone called for me?"  
  
"Spinner did, I told him that you're visiting your aunt in Ottawa. I didn't know how you felt about people knowing."   
  
Joey changed the subject again, and Craig and him wound up chatting for a while, through dinner, about Snake's illness and other things. It was nice, but Joey had to leave. Craig decided to start taking night showers so his hair could dry overnight, and took one, then sat in the TV room for a while. He noticed Allegra was in the room, but she just waved him in and pointed at her book. He smiled and watched TV until it was time to go to bed.  
  
Songs used: The Beatles "Getting Better"  
  
Janis Ian "At Seventeen" 


	3. Day Three

Degrassi is still not mine. Everything else still is mine.  
  
Authors note: I may put days four and five into one chapter, as weekends in a psych ward are very very very boring. I also don't know quite where I'm headed in this story, but I'm working on it. The next couple chapters are going to be pretty short, mostly filler to get to day six, where action picks up.  
  
Day three  
  
Friday began as usual. Vital signs, breakfast, sharing group. Just an ordinary day for Craig.   
  
The only interesting thing all day happened in general rec, where they were playing charades. Troy, one of the other patients, threw a fit. A violent fit, one Craig hadn't seen anything like in years.   
  
It began when Seth got up and did his charade, which Troy got wrong and Craig got right. So, Troy threw himself at Craig, screaming at him.  
  
"You fucker! You fucker!" Craig managed to duck Troy, but was not able to stop the other man from jumping on him. Allegra also got hit in the eye, as she was sitting next to Craig when he was attacked.   
  
Roy had gotten a nurse and the two of them managed to get Troy off of Craig and taken him away. Craig was looked over by another nurse, and so was Allegra. The rest of the day was ordinary.   
  
Craig and Allegra were in the TV room that evening, when he tried talking to her again. "How are you doing today?"  
  
"God I feel like hell tonight. The tears of rage I cannot fight"  
  
"The Fight?" Allegra nodded. "I'm upset about that either. Sometimes I forget where I am, you know? Then something like that happens and I remember again." She nodded again. "Allegra, can I ask you..How long have you been here."  
  
Allegra held up three fingers. "Three weeks?" Another nod. "And you don't talk? Why not?"  
  
"Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness" That was her answer, after that she stood up and left the room.  
  
Allegra confounded Craig, but fascinated him. Craig was homesick too, and that bothered him. He didn't want to care this much about going home, and he couldn't figure out why.   
  
He'd think about it more and ask Dr. Allen about it on Monday.  
  
When he got back to his room, Stella gave him something-a notebook and a pen. "Dr. Allen wanted us to give this to you earlier, but I forgot. Its a journal, you're supposed to keep it every day and then you can talk about it with him."  
  
Craig nodded, and showered, changed into his pajamas, and wrote.  
  
Dear Journal...This is stupid. I don't want to have to keep a journal. I don't want to do anything here, I don't want to be here. I shouldn't be here. I'm not like the others, I'm not like Allegra or Troy-I'm normal. Why am I here? Why did I do what I did?  
  
He put his notebook away and went to bed, still trying to figure that out.  
  
Songs used: Sheryl Crow "Strong Enough"  
  
Smashing Pumpkins "Zero" 


	4. Days Four and Five

I still don't on Degrassi, darn it!  
  
Day's four and five.  
  
Day Four.   
  
It was Saturday at breakfast, and Craig could already tell that it was going to be a long boring weekend. "So, what do we do this weekend?"  
  
"Just sit around mostly. That's what everyone does. Read, write, watch TV. Nothing much" Seth smiled. "its nice, quiet."  
  
Craig nodded at Seth. He didn't get why he had to have a weekend while he was in the psych ward. If he could see people and have groups, he could get out sooner. Craig figured not to complain, and catch up on his reading. His first plan, was to take a long hot shower-which he did. Then he found out that Seth was starting a collection to order pizza for dinner, so he put in a few bucks. I guess movie and pizza Saturday nights are big in the psych ward, he thought.  
  
Lunch was ordinary. Allegra wasn't talking, though.  
  
"No Lyrics for us today?" Seth said to her, rudely.  
  
"La la la la" She said. Craig laughed, thinking it was funny. Even Seth had to smile, slightly.   
  
Craig napped in the afternoon, and then read a magazine, before writing in his journal  
  
Dear Journal, I hate it here. Its quiet today, and that's not good. I don't like quiet, it means I have more time to think. I don't like thinking sometimes, it scares me. The voices in my head..they sound like my father sometimes.  
  
Craig put down the pen, not meaning to mention his father. He started to cry, but manage to clean himself up before Cathleen came in to tell him that it was time for pizza and movies.  
  
The pizza and movie night went well.  
  
Day Five  
  
Sunday, the day of rest, was even more boring than Saturday. Joey came, and that was the highlight of the afternoon. They talked about Angie, and the dealership, not about Craig's problems.  
  
"I have to see Dr. Allen again tomorrow."  
  
"Is he helping? Is this helping?"  
  
"Not yet."  
  
"Do you want it to?"  
  
"Joey! I don't want to be crazy!" Craig said. "Of course I want it to help." And he did. He didn't realize it before that moment, but he wanted to get better.  
  
Joey just smiled.  
  
There was another movie that night, and then showering and sleep. Craig hoped Monday would be more interesting. 


	5. Day Six

I don't own Degrassi. Everyone else is my property.  
  
Day Six  
  
Craig woke up with dread in his stomach. He had a bad feeling about what would happen when he saw Dr. Allen. He didn't want to talk about his family, he just didn't. And he didn't understand what bringing that up would have to do with his going home.  
  
He picked at his food all though breakfast, just sat around in group and halfheartedly played the game in group rec. It was going to be a bad day, he could feel it in his bones.  
  
He could feel dread filling him as he walked to the offices after lunch. Dr. Allen started the session with "Tell me about your mother."  
  
"She was great. Wonderful. Amazing. I hated it so much when she left me...but she did what she had to do...and I wish she was still alive."  
  
"And your father?"  
  
"I don't want to think about him, talk about him, be him." The last two words slipped out of Craig without thinking.  
  
"Do you think you're like him?"  
  
Craig shuddered "I Hope not. He was an ass. He Hurt me, he wasn't any of a man, and not much of a father."  
  
"but he's your father. You share DNA. You lived with him for years."  
  
"That doesn't mean I want to be like him."  
  
"You say you don't want to. Does that mean you are afraid you are going to become like him someday?"  
  
"Maybe...I Don't know. Can we talk about something else?"  
  
"OK, what about women."  
  
"I don't have a girlfriend right now. I did, but I cheated on her, and that ruined things."  
  
"Why did you cheat on her?"  
  
"I was tempted, I don't know" Craig looked down at his hands. "Why do you ask me these questions?"  
  
"So you can understand yourself better, Craig. If you understand yourself you won't want to hurt yourself."  
  
"I don't want to hurt myself Damnit! Dr. Allen, why do I have to deal with this stuff. I Don't want to talk about my father!"  
  
"Why not?" Dr. Allen was calm, as if he dealt with this every day. "Craig, if you don't deal with your past you won't have a future."  
  
"I just..." Craig would not cry. He refused to. He hadn't cried at all since his father died. "I can't do this now."  
  
"you have to before you leave. You say you want to leave-well, the only way out is through."  
  
Craig looked at Dr. Allen. "I Don't want to be my father, but I cheated on my girlfriend like he cheated on Mom. So what if I am going to be him? IS that what you want me to tell you?" He was raging now, angry at Dr Allen, his father, the world. "I'm going now."  
  
"I'll see you tomorrow, Craig."  
  
"Its not like I have a choice." Craig said, storming out.  
  
He sat around the rest of the day, not talking to anyone until Allegra came into his room after dinner.  
  
"Scream at me until my ears bleed I'm taking heed just for you" She smiled at him, then.  
  
"Not...I don't want to talk tonight..maybe tomorrow, OK?" She nodded and left as quietly as she came.  
  
Craig laid down and tried to sleep, scared what tomorrow would bring, after what he'd said that day about his father. The memories he tried to forget every day growing in his head. He did not sleep well.  
  
Song used: Green Day "She" 


	6. Day Seven

I don't own Degrassi  
  
Day seven  
  
A week. Craig had been there for a week. "God, I want to go home" Were the first words out of his mouth at breakfast.   
  
"We all do, Craig. I miss my daughter, she's going away to college this fall, what if I don't get to see her off." Laine said to him. This made Craig think about what it was like for the other people here. They didn't want to be there as much as he didn't want to be there.   
  
In general rec someone asked him how he was doing. "I miss my sister. I miss my stepdad. I miss my friends. I feel like i'm lying to them-Joey told them I'm visiting family in Ottawa. I don't know whats going to happen when I go home, and that scares me." He was shocked at himself, for saying that much. People began telling him who they missed. That was when he found himself realizing that he wasn't alone in the way he felt, in the pain and sadness. Maybe he would be ok.  
  
However, there was nothing like an apointment with Dr. Allen to make him feel angry and alone again.   
  
"Your father cheated on your mother."  
  
"Yes, he did. She left him when she found out." Craig sighed. "I was just a kid, but i remember it. I don't know why I do, but I do."  
  
"Maybe because its an important event in your life. Things changed when that happened, didn't it?" At Craigs nod he went on. "You said yesterday that you dno't want to be like your father, but you acted like him in cheating. Do you know why you did that?"  
  
"I Don't know, Manny was paying attention to me when Ashley wasn't, and I just got carried away."  
  
"You liked the attention. Why?"  
  
"What guy wouldn't. She wanted me. And I thought she wasn't interested in strings, but she was."   
  
"I want you to think about that, why you really wanted attention."  
  
"Are you saying that because my dad beat me I used Manny for attention?"  
  
"Perhaps." Dr. Allen was good at not giving straight answers, Craig had noticed that.  
  
"Thats..stupid."  
  
"Actually, thats normal, Craig. But I also wanted to talk about something else. I think I need to test you."  
  
"Test me?"  
  
"To see if you have an illness or if its something else. I'm planning on taking you over to be tested Thursday morning. I'd do it tomorrow but I'm busy most of the day and i want to supervise."  
  
"Do I have a choice. I don't think so."  
  
"It will be helpful, to see what happens to you when yuou leave-if you need talk therapy, medication, or both."  
  
"Drugs? You want to drug me?"  
  
"If thats what you need, we'll do it." Craig frowned. He hadn't thought about drugs.   
  
"I guess I don't have a choice, so I'll do the tests."  
  
"Ok, tomorrow we'll talk more about your mother, I want to know also about your guardian."  
  
"Joey's great. He's really great. I wish I hadn't done what I did because it hurt him so badly."  
  
"What about how it hurt you?" Was Dr. Allen's last comment before he walked Craig back to the ward to pick up Allegra.   
  
Craig had to wonder what Dr. Allen thought about the girl, and her use of lyrics instead of speaking. He imagined it annoyed the doctor.  
  
Something must have happened, because he didn't see Allegra the rest of the day-she didn't go to coping skills or general rec to play pool as usual. In fact, she didn't even go to dinner. Craig wanted to go to her, but he was too scared.   
  
So he watched the evening film-on bipolar disorder, and went to bed early. 


	7. Day Eight

I don't own Degrassi  
  
Author's note: This story is turning out to be a lot shorter than I had planned. The next three or four chapters will have several breakthroughs for Craig and Allegra, and I don't think Craig will be in Unit longer than two weeks.  
  
I'm doing this for several reasons. I've long planned a sequel, and I'm excited to start on it. Also, My muse is making Craig better earlier than planned. Also, I've found this story is harder on me than I expected. I have to put my own mental health first, and so I'm wrapping things up soon.   
  
Day eight  
  
"Just one day." Craig said to Nora. "I would like to wake up on my own, without you standing over me."  
  
"Then get better and get out of here," was her response. Craig sighed at that, he had a feeling he would never get better, even being here he was depressed sometimes. He just wished he knew why he was depressed all the time, even when things were going well for him.  
  
Seth was in a good mood at breakfast, Craig noted, and asked him why.  
  
"MY cousin's coming to visit today, I haven't seen him in two months-not since I got here.   
  
Two months? Was Craig's only thought. Two months from now he'd be in school..he couldn't say here that long, could he?   
  
Group was interesting that morning. Troy was bitching about something, Craig had learned to ignore his bitching, Laine had told him that Troy had come a day before Craig, over from the lock-down unit. He was one of the worst of all of them, and Craig alternated between feeling sorry for Troy and hating him.   
  
It was pictionary day in group recreation, and Craig smiled as Allegra once again kicked ass. She was good at the game, and enjoyed it. It was one of the few times Craig saw a genuine smile on her face.   
  
After lunch came Craig's session with Dr. Allen. "The more I think about it, the more I don't know why I cheated on Ashley. It was just so nice to be wanted by someone, that I lost track of things."  
  
"Have you often felt unwanted?"   
  
"When I lived with my dad, I did. Sometimes."   
  
"So, do you think the memories caused you to cheat?"  
  
"Maybe...yeah, probably." Craig looked at Dr. Allen. "Do you think this all goes back to my dad? Why I'm here?"  
  
"Perhaps." At Craig's dirty look, Dr. Allen went on. "People who have been abused, particularly young people, tend to be the sort who go out looking for attention. As an example, most prostitutes were abused as children-sexualy more often then physically, but most abuse is the same."  
  
Craig nodded. "My Mom was abused, she got married again and was happy...why was that?"  
  
"Why do you think?"  
  
"She was a strong person. Stronger than me..older than me, at least. with more experience but she was strong. I wish I was strong."  
  
"You're going to be strong when you leave here, trust me Craig. Are you telling me you want to get better?"  
  
"Yes, I want to get better."  
  
"That's the first step. Tomorrow is the tests...I think you may have an illness that can be treated with medication. If that's true, I may let you leave within a week. Can you handle that? You're going to have to decide if you can handle leaving."  
  
Craig nodded, then asked something that had been on his mind for most of the time he was there.  
  
"Dr. Allen? I know you probably can't say much...but what's wrong with Allegra?"  
  
"Allegra..is complicated. I can't say much, only that she's not quite what you think of her, what everyone thinks of her." A cryptic answer, but Craig expected as much.  
  
They were making collages of things they loved in coping group. Craig found it enjoyable. He enjoyed looking through the things to find the perfect photo of a guitar to place on the collage. He caught the eye of Pattie, the therapist, and smiled. He felt better today, stronger. Maybe the sessions with Dr. Allen were helping.  
  
After dinner Craig followed Allegra into her room. "Allegra why do you only talk in lyrics?"  
  
" i was blessed with a birth and a death and I guess I just want some say in between" She said.  
  
"Allegra, damnit, talk to me. I want to know about you. I don't know why, but I want to know what's wrong with you. Why you're here?"  
  
"I'm here because I'm waiting it out for another two months until I'm 18 and can leave. I'm not crazy, I'm depressed. My Mom can't handle my illness, she sent me here. When I'm 18 I can check myself out and go live with my aunt like I want." Her voice was quiet, firm, truthful. Craig smiled at her.  
  
"I see..."  
  
"When are you getting out?"  
  
"In the next week, Maybe. Dr. Allen's testing me tomorrow." Craig shrugged. "I don't want to hurt myself anymore..well, once in a while, but not usually. Being here helped."  
  
"Because you know you aren't alone."  
  
"Yeah...I'm shocked you spoke to me."  
  
"I won't in public, you know that. I only speak to Dr. Allen and my aunt in talk, everyone else gets lyrics. But I feel for you. You're the only one here younger than I am. You don't want to be here-everyone else here but us checked themselves in, we were forced here."  
  
"I'm glad I was forced here."  
  
"I'm glad but not. I would have been fine as an outpatient. I'm OK, except for sometimes. I think we all get down. The thing about my meds is that they make me even-my downs are less down."  
  
Craig nodded. "I'm going to go shower and get to bed."  
  
"Night Craig."  
  
"Goodnight Allegra" He waved good-bye and headed to his room to write in his journal.  
  
Dear Journal-I'm getting better. I think that maybe Allegra is right, that knowing I'm not alone is what's helping. I'm going to be OK, I can feel it.   
  
Lyrics used: Ani Difranco "Talk to me now" 


	8. Day Nine

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi  
  
Author's note: Yes! Its back! did you miss it? I've been bored, what can I say? Don't worry, Shameless will continue. I hope I can handle three stories (counting the one I'm cowriting, whenever my cowriter gets back into town).  
  
This story is dedicated to my Mom, MrsZoid, the coolest woman on the planet, and the reason I'm here, on so many levels.  
  
Day Nine  
  
Craig woke up to find Nora standing over him. "Don't you get any days off?"  
  
"Most weekends, now get up Craig. Now. Its testing day for you."  
  
"Oh, I forgot, I'm sorry." He got up and dressed, heading to the kitchen for breakfast.  
  
"This food. Gets worse every day." Seth noticed, picking at his eggs.   
  
"You need to stop getting the eggs, you know they don't cook them right here." Laine counciled, ever the mother figure. "what's on your mind, kiddo?"  
  
"I'm getting tested today, so they can find out what's wrong with me."  
  
"You're here, isn't that what's wrong with you?" Seth cracked.   
  
"Be Serious, Seth." Laine was laughing at them, and it made Craig feel good to laugh with everyone.   
  
"Hey, Allegra? Is something wrong?" She wasn't talking or laughing.  
  
She shrugged her shoulders before speaking. "I'm damaged bad at best."   
  
Craig knew that something was wrong, but he had to get his tests done, he whispered at her before leaving. "I'll talk to you tonight, OK?" She nodded and he headed down the hall to see Dr. Allen.  
  
The tests were done by Dr. Allen and another doctor, Dr. Miller. Some of them seemed odd to Craig-word association, the famous ink blot tests, others involved discussing his family. He wondered what they were going to say about him..what was wrong with him.   
  
Craig had never thought about mental illness before. It had never even crossed his mind as something to think about, because it was something that happened to other people, not himself. Now he was going to get a diagnosis on Monday that would change his life forever, at least according to the doctors. He knew it was serious, he'd seen the others in the ward, the older people who hadn't been diagnosed.   
  
After his tests he just took a nap, skipping out on the group sessions. The tests had worn him out, and he just wanted to be alone.   
  
After dinner Craig followed Allegra back to her room. "What's wrong?"  
  
"My mom's coming this weekend."  
  
"You don't want to see her,"  
  
"its just..you know when I told you that she didn't handle my illness well, that's why I was here. That was sort of a lie."  
  
"OH?"  
  
"My mom's mentally ill herself...do you know what munchousen's syndrome is?" Craig shook his head. "She used to pretend I was ill to get attention for herself...I've spent so much time in hospitals. They think that has a lot to do with my depression. So, I'm here until I'm 18."  
  
Craig just nodded. He'd never thought people would be that cruel. "I was abused."  
  
"I'm not ssurprised. You're going to be ok, Craig."  
  
"we both are, Allegra." They talked for hours then, about their plans for the future, Craig about his photography, Allegra about her writing.  
  
"Craig? Stay with me?"  
  
"of course." HE curled up next to Allegra and slept.   
  
Song used: Elliott Smith "Say Yes" 


	9. Day Ten

I don't own Degrassi. If you do, please email me, I've got some ideas...*eg*  
  
Day 10.  
  
Craig was woken up by a nurse, yelling. "Get to your room, now! We thought something had happened to you!"   
  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He ran out of Allegra's room and into his own.   
  
The next morning he got a lecture from Nora on why he had to sleep in his own room. "I"m not a suicide risk!"  
  
"Its what got you in here, isn't it?" Nora watched his face fall. "Craig, I know you're getting better, but you scared us."  
  
"I'm sorry, Allegra was upset and I just wanted to make sure she was ok."  
  
"If this happens again you're going to be in major trouble...ok?"  
  
Craig nodded, realizing he got of easily.   
  
It wasn't as easy as he hoped, because Troy had seen them, which he mentioned in group. It was just after Hanna the therapist had told them that she was sponsoring a walk at two around the hospital grounds.   
  
"I want to know what Craig and Allegra were doing last night."  
  
"She was upset, I feel asleep in her room." Was all Craig would say. Allegra said nothing. Not even a lyric, but nothing. Craig realized how upset she was about her Mom coming to visit.  
  
Craig got some good news from Dr. Allen-he had a day pass for Sunday, so he could see Angie. And Monday they would give him and Joey results of his tests and he could get out by the end of next week.  
  
"You really think I'm ready?"  
  
"I Think so, Craig, you've had some real breakthroughs. That doesn't mean treatment ends, however. You'll have to see me every week." Craig nodded his agreement.  
  
The walk was at two, and Craig, Allegra and Laine were three of the ones who went. The walk was enjoyable, but as they rounded a corner Craig saw Emma Nelson and Manny Santos walking Emma's brother Jack. He didn't know what to do.  
  
They stopped him and Allegra. "Hey Craig."  
  
"Hey Emma. Manny. Its a nice day, isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah, it is..."  
  
"I gotta head off." He walked away then, leaving Emma and Manny confused as to why Craig was with someone who looked like a Nurse and all those other people.  
  
Craig was off all day from seeing them, and Allegra knew it, but she was too wrapped up in her own self to talk much. They watched a movie that night on eating disorders, and Craig showered and went to bed early. 


	10. Days Eleven and Twelve

I still don't own Degrassi.   
  
AN--this chapter takes you...out of the hospital! and into Joey's head. I'm sorry if its a little messed up there, and the soundtrack's a little annoying, being a constant loop of "everybody wants something" and all. Craig also says the most important words he will ever say.  
  
Days Eleven and Twelve  
  
Craig woke up on Saturday, ate breakfast, and went back to bed, enjoying a quiet day where not much happened.  
  
Meanwhile, back in the neighborhood, Emma was heading upstairs to eat lunch when she heard Joey's voice.  
  
"I got good news-Craig's coming to visit tomorrow for a while, and he should be home for good sometime this week."  
  
At that Emma decided to sit on the stairs and find out what exactly was going on with Craig-Joey had said he was in Ottawa, but she'd just seen him yesterday.  
  
"That's great Joey!"  
  
"Yeah, should be fun...I'm going in Monday to get his test results, then depending he could be out as early as then or as late as Friday-depending on if he needs medication or not. Cause if he does they'll keep him in for a couple days to regulate."   
  
This made Emma even more confused-what kind of illness gets you checked out of the hospital. She then heard her mother enter the room. "Well, as long as Craig gets the help he needs."  
  
Emma had enough then, she entered the room. "What's wrong with Craig? I Heard you guys talking. I know you said he was in Ottawa, Joey, but I saw him yesterday."  
  
"Where'd you see him?" Joey asked, nervously.  
  
"Over by Macalister Hospital, with some nurses."   
  
Joey let out a deep breath. "Oh, ok. He must have been..he's fine."  
  
"What's wrong wit him, Joey? Is he sick, is he dying?"  
  
"Emma." Spike said, "That's really none of your business."  
  
"I want to know!" Emma was worried now, about what was wrong with Craig.  
  
"Emma, your mom said it wasn't your business, and its not. I don't know if Craig wants everyone to know." Emma was truly confused now. "I don't know if *I* want everything to know what a failure I am." Joey looked at his friends. "I feel like one."  
  
Snake responded. "Joey, Craig's sick, there is nothing you could have done, you know that."  
  
"He tried to kill himself. He was that ill and I didn't notice." Joey was nearly in tears now. He really had started to blame himself for Craig's problem, for not realizing what was really wrong with Craig.  
  
Emma stopped where she stood, stunned. Craig had tried to kill himself? Craig Manning? "He what?"  
  
Joey looked at Emma. "He took some pills, he's been at Macalister for 11 days." Emma just nodded. "Don't tell anyone ok?"  
  
Emma nodded again, and went for a walk alone while Joey and Spike and Snake Talked.  
  
Day 12-Visiting Day.  
  
Craig's pass let him out after lunch and was for five hours, so he had to be back by six. When he got out he nearly kissed the sidewalk outside the Jeremiah's house, he was that happy. They did nothing all afternoon-he played with Angie and listened to music, then Joey took him out for dinner.  
  
"How are you feeling?"  
  
"Better, not 100% yet, but better." Craig really did feel better, the time in the hospital had done him well.   
  
"You might have to be on medication, you know that, right?" Craig nodded. "Craig? I'm sorry."  
  
"What is there to be sorry for, Joey? I'm the one who messed up."  
  
"I should have noticed, I should have known. I feel bad because of that, because...you didn't feel comfortable coming to me."  
  
"I wouldn't have felt comfortable going to anyone, I just wanted the pain to stop, Joey. That's all that mattered to me when I did...when I tried to kill myself." It was the first time Craig had said the words, and he knew without knowing what a breakthrough it was. "Joey, it wasn't you. It wasn't. It was me, I'm the one with the illness, the problem."  
  
"I just feel guilty."  
  
"Don't feel that way Joey, I can't live with that..I'm having a hard enough time with what I did."  
  
"Craig...I'm just glad you're getting help, that you'll be ok."  
  
"Thanks Joey."  
  
After dinner Joey took him back to the hospital, right on time, and they talked a bit more, about treatment plans and such, before Craig headed to see Allegra.  
  
"I tried to kill myself."  
  
"Yes, you did. First time saying it?"  
  
"Earlier, with my stepdad." Allegra just nodded. "It feels good to say it, for some reason."  
  
"Because you are coming to terms with what you did, with your illness. Sometimes I still say it--say that I'm depressed, say that I'm sick, say what I did, what I wanted to do. Its good to remember who you are, because that way you don't get sick again." Craig just nodded. He knew he'd always have to remember, to avoid the illness. 


	11. Day Thirteen

I don't own Degrassi.   
  
Author's note: I've been saving a lot of what I want to say for after I finish this story, where I'll put a bigger authors note with some information for you all.  
  
Day 13.  
  
Craig was scared to death about what Dr. Allen was going to tell him that day, when he got results of his tests back. Joey was meeting him at 9 to go over them, and Craig could hardly eat breakfast because of that. Allegra smiled at him encouragingly and waved at him as he headed to the offices.  
  
Joey was waiting, and they both went into the office, where Dr. Allen was waiting.   
  
"So, what's wrong with me."   
  
"Craig, you aren't dying, stop gripping your seat like that." Craig did as the doctor asked. "I got the results, and its not a shock-you have major depression. We're going to put you on Prozac. 10 milligrams a day, going up if need be."  
  
Joey nodded. "Is he going to be able to go home soon?"  
  
"We'll keep him until Wednesday, then you can check him out that evening for good. Craig, how does that sound?"  
  
"I get to go home? Great!"  
  
"You have to see me twice a week until school starts-once a week after it begins. Also, you need to take your pills every day. They might not take effect right away, so don't be disheartened. We're going to watch you for a couple days here first, which is why you don't leave until Wednesday."  
  
Craig was happy with that, he couldn't wait to tell Allegra, but he couldn't do it until that night. She was not happy.  
  
"Wednesday, huh. That's great." Her voice was flat.  
  
"What's wrong, Allegra?"  
  
"I'm down again is all...I am happy for you. I just wish it was me."  
  
"It will be you soon enough, trust me."  
  
"I Don't know anymore. Like I said, I'm down again. I'm starting to have thoughts, you know?"  
  
"Thoughts? Like...those thoughts." They didn't say the word, both scared to, but both knowing it was best if they did.  
  
"I want to hurt myself again." She sighed. "its my Mom coming to visit, I know that's what caused it. I hated seeing her Saturday, she's so..she's worse than I am."  
  
"Allegra, you'll be fine."  
  
"I Just want to be normal! I'm sick of taking medications and seeing doctors and being in the ward. I just want to be like everyone else!"  
  
"Allegra, you wouldn't be like everyone else even if you weren't depressed, you know that."  
  
"I know its just..Craig, I need to be alone right now. I'll talk to Dr. Allen tomorrow about this stuff, ok?"  
  
Craig nodded and left the room, happy to be leaving but worried about Allegra. 


	12. Day Fourteen

I don't own Degrassi. Everything else is mine.  
  
Day 14.   
  
Craig woke up to Nora standing over him, for the second to the last time, and nearly jumped out of bed with happiness. Tomorrow at this time he would be packing to go home. Nora handed him something, then, and he was jerked out of his thoughts.   
  
It was a pill. A small, green and white pill. His prozac. Nora looked at him and spoke. "Take it with breakfast, ok?"  
  
Craig nodded, and headed to breakfast.  
  
Laine looked at him. "When are you leaving? You look way too happy, you have to be leaving."  
  
"Tomorrow after breakfast." Everyone within earshot congratulated him, except for Allegra who just smiled at him.   
  
Craig was asked to talk about leaving in group. "Its scary for me, I've learned so much here. I've changed so much here, but I want to go home. I just hope I can be ok at home."   
  
"You will be, Craig." Seth says. "You've changed, you admit that. That's the first step. The second is to take your medication every day, as long as you do that you'll be fine. I swear."  
  
Everyone agrees with Seth about taking medication, and Craig gets another lecture about it at Dr. Allen's office.   
  
"Take it every day. If you think you don't need it? Still take it. That's the most popular reason why people come back here-they don't take their meds and get sick again. Do you understand that?"  
  
Craig just nods. "I just don't see what the big deal is, why everyone keeps telling me how important it is."  
  
"do you remember the night you overdosed? How you felt?" Craig nods. "The medication is a large part of what keeps you from feeling that way."  
  
"I get it now...sort of. I don't want to feel that way, so I'll take the pills."   
  
"Good, Craig."  
  
The rest of the day went by in a blur of good-byes and therapies, soon it was dinner. Allegra looked a little down, and Laine mentioned it.   
  
"And I don't have nothing to say. You get what you pay for. But I just had no intention of living this way." This made Craig remember something he'd been meaning to ask her, and he followed her back to her room after dinner.  
  
"How do you remember all the lyrics?" He asked, closing the door so no one could hear her speak.  
  
"Photographic memory. Don't you you have to pack?" She asked him.  
  
"I can do it in the morning, I don't have much. You'll get out soon, Allegra. You know that."  
  
"I know, but you're my only real friend here. I'll miss you."  
  
"I'll miss you too, Allegra. I wasn't supposed to leave so early tomorrow...but Joey called last night and said my sister misses me. Otherwise I'd have more time to hang out with you."   
  
"Craig, you're leaving. Go pack. I'm sure I'll be happy in a month when I leave."  
  
"A month?"  
  
"My birthday, remember?" She smiled at him and gave him a hug. "Now, go pack." Craig did. 


	13. Going Home

I don't own Degrassi. This is the last chapter, its very short with a long author's note at the end.  
  
Going Home  
  
Craig was bouncing in his chair at breakfast. Laine, Seth, and Allegra couldn't stop laughing at him. "Guys, I'm going home!"  
  
"We know, Craig, we know." Seth replied. "Stop bouncing and eat or they won't let you out."  
  
"Fine." Craig replied, popping his pill into his mouth and washing it down with a swig of milk and a bite of muffin. "I'm going to miss these muffins, though."  
  
"They are good, aren't they." Laine replied. "It was great to meet you, Craig, I hope you keep getting better."  
  
"So do I, Laine, so do I."  
  
After breakfast Craig went to his room and looked around to see if he'd gotten everything organized. Then Joey showed up, with sacks to put them in.   
  
Craig quickly packed and then smiled at Joey. "I'm going home!"  
  
"I take it you feel good today?" Dr. Allen's voice came from the doorway. "I'm just here to check you out, don't worry Craig."  
  
Craig nodded and picked up one of his sacks. Joey took the other and they each had a pillow. "Thanks for everything Dr. Allen. I'll see you next week, then?"  
  
"Yes, you will..Monday and Thursday."   
  
"He'll be there." Joey assured. "Come on Craig, lets go home."  
  
Craig waited for Dr. Allen and Joey to sign the release and then they headed home.  
  
*the end*  
  
Authors note: First of all-I just want to thank you all for going on the journey with me. Its been hard, rewrites, taking it down due to the intensity, but I'm glad to be finished and I'm glad I published this.  
  
Now...I've said that this story is based on real life events, and that's true. I spent four days in the local Psych Ward in September, 2003, and a lot of my memories are used in this story. I've had many comments about how realistic this is, and now you know why. As I said, many things are true, some are made up because of dramatic license. However, one thing I want to say is that depression is a serious illness, and should not be taken lightly. Craig is going to continue to have issues in his life, which is why I'm writing a sequel that takes place six years in the future. The plot? Craig and Allegra meet again. That's really all you need to know.  
  
I had a really hard choice to make in this story about Craig's treatment, as far as if I wanted him to be on medication or now. I obviously chose to have him taking Prozac as part of his treatment, if only because I was on Prozac for five years, starting at the age of 16. (If you care, I currently take Lexapro.) I know some of you reading it are probably opposed to teenagers on antidepressants, but its the only thing I know how to do.  
  
I want to say thank you again for reading this story.--MsZoid. 


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